Here and There

Went to spend the day at a very dear friends place today. My son gets along with her kids and i get along with her so…she moved back with her estranged husband last week. Not because she loves him but because she doesnt have an option, esp. because she is not financially independent and her father refused to support her.

Our lives have kind of run parallel to each other. Although she got married much before me both of us had crazy husbands. Both of us let our husbands cut off all contact with our respective families. both of us left them together. both of us had our sons almost together…meaning 1 month apart. both of had to put up wth verbal and physical abuse. Both of us decided to leave our moronic husbands together – 1 month apart. Thats where the similarity ended.

Her husband tried to make an effort to make the marriage work mine didnt. she moved back with him after 3 years and i was happy for her in the sense…now she has her own home, her kids have a normal life with a loving father. But i was sad for my son (not myself coz i so dont want a husband like hers). She was one friend whose kids would have understood what my son feels but now he wont have that comfort. Anyways it was a good day.

I was watching “Desperate Housewives”…episode where Mike dies and they were showing his Funeral…God i howled!

1. I had a crush on him.

2. On TV he was the perfect husband.

3. I dont know just watching him tell his kid about “heaven” being the place where you are “happiest the most” brought a lump in my throat. Who will teach my son cricket? coz I suck at it. I wish he had a dad to do all this manly stuff with.

I cried for the passing away of the life I had dreamed of, a life that could not be. I mourned for the loss of my love…i cried for the loss of my son…him being robbed of a father because of the cruel hand destiny dealt him. He could have had it all but now …….i took him cycling in the park and he tells me “MY dad is very strong and powerful”. My heart skipped a beat but i masked it with a smile and asked him “Who is you dad”? He innocently looks into my eyes and says “my nanu” (my granddad” and I smile “yes beta. he is your dad, your nanupapa”.

That brings me to his vocabulary. Few of my favourite words:

1. Mukkabala = Mukabala = contest

2. Deval (rhymes with “devar”/brother in law) = Devil

3. Cheklet (rhymes with cigerrate) = Secret

My mood is changed now! I am all )))))

I will stop loosing my cool on him w.e.f now! and if not i will read this blog and give my self a kick in the butt (as if thats possible;)) for every time i raised my voice at him. Amen:-)

Btw Happy second Anniversary my dear blog! Hope we will celebrate our silver anniversary one day!;-) So what If not with a man I can surely be together with my blog:-)

At full force – The Murphy’s Law:)

Its been a while….lot has happened…

1. I have successfully controlled my temper atleast 80%. Now need to control it 100% atleast with my son.

2. Dad had gone back to his schizophrenic depression…tried to commit suicide 1 day…had to break the window, door lock and stop him from eating a 100 pills. Situation persisits. Can someone please pray to God on my behalf. My prayers have died.

3. Mom obviously is under TREMENDOUS stress…her B.P shooting through the roof….God please save her and keep her healthy.

4. My son’s summer vacations have started and I am struggling to find a good summer camp for him…need to finalize this tomorrow else my parents will surely go nuts managing my little “Tornado of energy”:)

5. Got a punching bag and hung it from the ceiling…trying to channelize his aggression on to the bag…and mom bought him that’s kids house which you pitch like a tent. It is firmly installed in my bedroom and everytime he is angry he says “I am going to my home. I will not talk to you” or “I want to sleep in my home tonight”:-) Love it:)

6. Finished 1 year in my new job. It is damn hectic. I am constantly torn between home and work. Work requires me to put in a few extra hours but my son needs me more. What to do? Mostly my son wins. Still feel a lot of work pressure but every thing is under control:)

7. Today my dearest went back to her husband…to give her marriage one last shot…song which was coming to my mind while she was leaving was “bichde sabhi baari baari…” God only knows why. I am not happy neither am I sad. Just …don’t know….Deep down im my gut/heart I know this marriage wont work but let us see. Hope it does. That jerk transforms and starts loving her…who knows right? Just that I know better…nope I should not think like this…

8. It was His b’day. Bought him “Open” – autobiography of Andre Agassi coz it was so damn interesting. He messaged me that he was wanting to read it and has always been fascinated by Agassi. I was like “Yayyyy”:) I am glad the courier reached him on his bday and he likes it too.:) WHen I called him he was as usual insisting that we should meet up. I just said “now we will talk on my birthday”:) And he came up with a vehement ”No No”. But I know better:)

9. My best friend is expecting and I intend to fly down to where she lives just to see her all rolly polly:) Wondering if I should take my son. Lets c.

10. I did not go for my court date. Just lied that I am not getting an off from my office. Next date is after 2.5 months. Hope I get another extension of another 6 months.

11. my health is down in the pits…im always so damn exhausted. When will my body be normal again?

12. My son wakes up in his sleeps and howls for 15-20 mins as he is seeing a bad dream. NO matter what I say or do he will not open his eyes and keep on crying. Any solutions?

Apart from that alls good:)

Satanic Saturdays.

I mean it. Almost every single saturday, for past half a decade, something bad happens = fight with my loved ones. Is it just coincidence/black magic/bad stars or what?

Whatever it is, its NOT GOOD! Lot of people have told me it can be because of black magic…esp. coz my EX was a believer and follower of the same. I don’t know…it just messes up my head even more. Is there something like voodoo out there? I know anything is possible but what can I do even if it’s there. Why the hell do these fights, heartaches, suffering happen on Saturdays 90% of the times? Do the satanic forces of my life come together as the clock strikes midnight and unleash their wicked spell on me an my family on a saturday?

Anyways…my health is not good…im always tired…got a full body scan done and what was the result = all normal!? What did the wise doc say – it is just because of stress that you are feeling like this! I was like what the F@#%? I barely have time to breathe forget worrying. BUt as I came back home and the darkness set around me, in the silence of the night I realized my head was bursting with these loud voices. Each was screaming for attention and pulling me in the direction of helplessnes-hopelessness. I worry at night. Just when I hit the bed and before I sleep…those minutes make me think of all the negative things of my life or all the bad things that can happen to me. I try to talk myself into positivity but I struggle. I am genuinely considering the option of learning how to meditate. I always used to think meditation is too boring, so not for me…here I am biting my own words, like majority of other things in my life:)

Im walking on thin rope uphill…stuggling to maintain my balance…part of me just wants to let go and fall off…just to stop this struggle/tension/helplessness and frustration…but the other part soldiers on…hoping rather just  doing what I have always done…lets see for how long.

It is just not worth it.

Update on my case = unjust justice system of India.

Last year Dec a new judge was assigned to my case and I was very hopeful that now things will move fast coz he had pulled up my Ex in court for not presenting his bank statements truthfully.

This year Jan we had the date for interim maintenance for our child. I was hopeful. I reach the court with my dad and Lo & Behold I see my father in-law gracing the court with his presence. I was surprised coz this man has never turned up for any of the hearings in the past 1.5 years. Never mind, the judge was late by an hour then my lawyer came after another 45 mins. Finally when we reach the bench my Ex’s lawyer asks for my salary slip and I was like it was given to you during the previous hearing. My lawyer checked the file it was not there. I told him I had handed over my payslips to his Munshi after the last hearing and he had reassured me that it has been added in the file. My lawyer said just go and get it from your home coz we should try to have the hearing today. We went home got the papers, handed over to my Ex and the hearing started. Since on paper my salary is more than him we were on the back foot. Irrespective, my lawyer presented the case to the judge n 20 mins out of which 15 mins the judge was attending to different matters. My Ex’s lawyer did not give any argument against our argument. I was surprised but very hopeful The judge said he will pass the judgement at 4 pm. We decided to wait. After an hour we bumped into our lawyer who advised we should go back and he will call us on the phone and tell the judgement. Any guesses what was the judgement? I was granted zero maintenance coz technically I am earning more than my ex. Irrespective of the fact that he gets perks way more than me, he is the only son with 3 properties in his parents name from which they are earning a handsome rental income, that my parents are retired and I am the only earning member in the family supporting them + my child. How does it matter coz my amazing Ex Father in law had come to use his approach with the judge. Since he is  Retd Govt high-ranking officer, he used his contacts to buy the judge, who by the way is currently under investigation for corruption and is known in the market for being on sale.

I was upset, very very upset but resolved to fight back. Find a contact for this judge and use him for me than against me. Guess what happens? Please take a wild guess. One hint -my sons birthday was around the corner.

One day before my son’s birthday (a Friday) I was on my seat in the office, working on a presentation. My receptionist rings me as says there is a guy from court who wants to serve you summons!!! My hands started shaking. I was like what the F@$# is this? How on earth has he gotten to know my new office address and on top of it serve summons over here? I collected my self, went to the reception, called the guy in the meeting room and asked for the summons. It stated that I should come tot he court tomorrow (i.e on my son’s birthday) as my Ex wants to spend the entire day with our son. I have been supposedly keeping my son away from him. Any guesses for my thoughts?- ” I wanna kill this Bastard”! “What the hell does he think of himself embarrassing me in my office”? “I just hope he dies in a car crash and all my worries will die with him”.

Out of habit I was gonna sign the papers but all the crime serials that I watch on TV finally paid off:-) I realized I should not sign anything before consulting my lawyer. I ask the server to go wait in the lobby of my building and called my lawyer. I explained the situation to him. Very calmly he tells me to pay 500 to the server. Ask him to put the time of visit as 3.00 pm where he was told that I am on half day today. I should apply for leave and leave the office by 2.00 pm to corroborate the story. I was so nervous that I asked my lawyer if he can speak to the server. That made him upset. He said “Mam these things you are supposed to handle on your own”. I took Gods name ,went down, gave the same logic to the server guy, he merrily took the money and said “mama please leave by 2 coz sometimes the other party keeps an eye on the office to check if we are lying”. Now it was my turn to smile. Finally the corruption helped somewhere, some little bit. I was still shaking when I came back to my office. Told my boss the entire story, who in turn was very supportive and granted me the leave.

What did it make me realize? It is just not worth it. I don’t wanna fight in the court. I so did not sign up for this. This man is gonna rip me apart in cross examinations and I will have to defend myself against all those false allegations. And when it will be my turn this man will just not get affected coz he is shameless anyways and he has bought the judge. So where does that leave my case? Nowhere? I loose either way. So what am I going to do now? Give him the divorce as long as he let’s go of his rights on the child, I will not take a penny from him. I don’t want my jewellery back, I don’t want the stuff my parents had given to him. I will return tiny little jewellery of his that I have with me and just get him out of my life. God willing I will be able to earn so much that this money would be like peanuts for me one day. I will look back at this day and laugh at how these 2-3 lac rupees were important for my survival one day. I will be able to return to my parents all their hard-earned money which this A$$H%^& has fleeced from them. They would name a thing and I will not have to think twice before buying it. That day shall come and come soon. As long as I have my son and my family with me, I will get by. I will succeed and overcome one day and that day aint far way. Amen!

Office Dinner = Mental Agony

Today we had an official dinner with the CEO of our Company…and I don’t know why the hell was i so uncomfortable….why the hell do I have to be so conscious of what people think of me? I know it is not important. Everyone cannot like you. Their thinking has no impact on my life then why does the fact that im not looking very good or people think I am too stern makes me sad. I was not enjoying myself. Our MD as it is a workaholic spinster for whom her life is her work that’s it. She does not respect people when she is under pressure, which is most of the times, and drives everyone nuts around her. I thank God that I have a boss on top of me who reports to her and I have limited interaction with her. Still she is the true woman boss you read about in the magazines!

 

I was seated at a table where the RMD was with us and I was in company of senior Managers, I was glad to be put on that table and he put me at ease slowly. Before that I had lost my appetite. I cannot do small talk with people. I am too conscious of myself. Trust me the person sitting across me cannot tell that. I am perceived to be a very confident person, infact even my best friend doesnt know about it hence i am confessing in this void. I am telling to myself. “It doesnt matter”. Let it go. You are a nice person and that’s all that matters….still its a challenge.

What triggered it off was that one of the GM’s told me today that “I cannot practice my presentation in front of IY coz she makes me nervous as she is so stern, business like, no-nonsense.” And I was aghast. I have always perceived myself as a friendly person. I asked my team mate is that true and she said yes you are not approachable. I just didnt know what to say. How do I change something that I don’t even know exists? Even when I am trying to be polite people think I am being bossy. God help me. But the silver lining is that the same junior told me that I am a great coach and she wished I had come into her life 3 years back, she would have been at a difference place in her career. Now that is a compliment. What should I believe and How the hell do i Let go of what people think of me???? argghhhhhhh!

Dil Aakhir Tu Kyun Rota Hai?:-)

 

Jab-Jab Dard Ka Baadal Chaya
Jab Gham Ka Saya Lehraya
Jab Aansoo Palkon Tak Aya
Jab Yeh Tanha Dil Ghabraya
Humne Dil Ko Yeh Samjhaya
… Dil Aakhir Tu Kyun Rota Hai

Duniya Mein Yunhi Hota Hai
Yeh Jo Gehre Sannaate Hain
Waqt Ne Sabko Hi Baante Hain
Thoda Gham Hai Sabka Kissa
Thodi Dhoop Hai Sabka Hissa
Aankh Teri Bekaar Hi Nam Hai
Har Pal Ek Naya Mausam Hai
Kyun Tu Aise Pal Khota Hai
Dil Aakhir Tu Kyun Rota Hai

Jab we Met.

I met him after God knows how many years. More than 5 for sure.

Every time I used to cross his workplace my eyes would wander on the street, hoping against hope that we would bump into each other. When I would go to a restaurant near his office complex I would desperately pray to God that he should somehow walk past me so that I can talk to him. I would imagine how I would react if I bump into him, what would he say to me …

Well he had been telling me to meet up. I knew that he wanted to know what happened to my marriage. Although all our phone conversations used to end with”Lets catch up soon”, I never really believed that he actually meant it. I thought he is just mouthing platitudes. But this time I believed him. Hence when I crossed his office area I called him today and we met.

It felt like meeting your long lost best friend. In the beginning we were just talking about movies, music, kids etc. Then somehow topic came to my marriage and he just started looking elsewhere and told me that when I told him on my birthday that I am getting divorced he went in a daze for 6-7 hours. He kept on thinking all that I had told him about my marriage/husband/inlaws etc. And he could not find any hints that things were going wrong. When he reached home and his wife asked him whatz wrong. He told her and she said he should meet me. He said his wife knows me really well coz he has talked a lot about me to her. Strangely it felt good:) He said I always thought of you as someone who has a lot of intelligence, rather wisdom, who can analyse things and understand, question and adjust. So he could never imagine why my marriage did not work out. My answer was simple – I am a living example of “Vinash kaale vipreet buddhi” (This is a bad translation – During bad times your brain also works in the opposite/wrong direction).

We talked of so many things, one thing led to another leaving one topic unfinished starting another but digressing again. There was so much to talk about yet so much was left unsaid.

When I left, I literally had to push myself to leave or we could have just chatted for hours. I sat in the car and through out the way kept on thinking “Oh I forgot to tell him this. Oh i forgot to tell him that”. I was happy yet sad. So much was left unsaid. I don’t know what I am feeling. Isn’t it ironic?